I believe our body is our friend and if we are having symptoms then sometimes they can guide us to insights or actions we may need to take. If we are quick to cover up the symptoms then we miss the learning. For instance if we have a headache, there is a reason for it and maybe it is telling us we need to slow down or rest, or speak up, or cry! If we just take an Exedrin instead then we miss the message. I see this with my clients and panic attacks. I tell them, “your body is your friend, so if you are having panic attacks, your body is trying to tell you something and you need to listen. In fact, my guess is that it has tried whispering to you and you weren’t able to hear it and now it is screaming loudly that something is not right or needs addressing.”
So, as I consider this little tumor that has come to rest in my brain I ask myself how it is serving me. I can see so many gifts it has already given me. And the sadness is that it sometimes takes something difficult or health or life threatening to enable us to see the world and our life in all it’s richness and splendor. I have noticed that since I have known about it, it seems my “HOLD BACK” button has been disabled! It has given me permission to NOT hold back, to speak up, to go and DO, to be more present, to soak in the love and the beauty and the splendor of my life. I’ve always had that button in the ON setting. It might signal me to HOLD BACK because I’m not sure of myself, or because I don’t want to embarrass myself, or because I’m afraid, or too tired, or worried about an outcome etc. I notice now that I have permission to do or say or be whatever feels right in the moment. I want to be kind but I don’t care as much about being “polite.” If something isn’t working for me I quit doing it, unless there is a good reason for me to continue. I am kinder to myself. Little things don’t matter as much. I saw someone in the airport yesterday that looked interesting so I went up and started a conversation with her. Who cares if she thinks I am weird:-) It’s quite liberating! So perhaps I needed a brain tumor to help me turn off my “HOLD BACK” button but my shift in perspective is making it so that I don’t need it any longer.
And on a deeper more personal level I realize that as a child I learned to be tough and independent and feel that I needed to take care of myself and not put anyone else out ever to have to take care of me. I have to wonder if perhaps I needed an excuse, a big enough excuse to ask for the love and concern and care that I desire. It could be that on some level I needed something as serious as a brain tumor to say “Hey everybody I want to feel more connected, more loved and cared about and I finally have a reason to say so!” I recognize that as a child I didn’t get that sort of care and attention that I wanted and my family was in such chaos that I didn’t feel I could ask for anything. So, I appreciate all of the loving concern and kindness that has come my way since I have been sharing about this. I hope that my need for that will be satisfied so that my body can heal and stay healthy and whole. I hope I will learn to ask for the love and care I desire rather than letting my body speak words I may have been unable to say! Blessings and learning to all on this beautiful day! Love, Beth