I want to write… and write… because I think it will help me to capture what I am experiencing. I want to be both the actor in this play and the observer watching so that I might slow down and be more mindful of what I am experiencing. I have been amazed at how free and happy I feel just having a plan and feeling confident it is the right one. I have spent much time in my life agonizing over decisions and trying to ensure I was making the “right” one for me and for my family. I wish I would have had more trust and confidence in my ability to “know” and could have saved myself all of that. Even so, my subconscious kicks in during the night and I awake with a vision of myself lying on the operating table unconscious for several hours while they work on me. I wonder where it is we go when we are under anesthesia! I had surgery once and the nurse told me that several times even though I appeared to be completely “under” and did not respond to pain I spoke saying “I know what you guys are doing you know,” and “hey, I’m awake you know!” and “am I supposed to be awake?” She said it sort of freaked them out and they poked me with a needle to see if I responded to pain which I did not so they continued working on me. I think I was so nervous about being under and having surgery that even though I was heavily sedated, my subconscious was taking care of me:-) When I awake with a vision of myself lying on that table now, I feel afraid and alone. I will be working on changing that feeling in my body, telling myself I will be in the hands of “The Divine Physician” and not alone at all. I will be spending time doing Guided Imagery to reassure my body and my mind and spirit that I can be at peace and feel tranquil in that setting. I will fully expect angels to surround me and protect me. I may have some hypnosis as well by Dr. Cory Hammond who wrote the big red book on hypnosis. I plan to make a guided imagery recording for myself as suggested by Dr. Jeanne Achterberg a special friend of mine who passed a couple of years ago. In fact, I think she may be one of my angels now as I feel her presence close. She was famous for her research on the power of prayer to actually show up on a FMRI machine. I am grateful for all those friends old and new who have extended love and support. I am living my life with such richness and joy so as not to miss anything during the next weeks. And even though I expect fully to recover a scenario such as this allows us to reflect on death and preparation. I do think that when I die I wish to be cremated and sprinkled over Flathead Lake where I have felt such peace. I also had a talk with my husband about my horse! It is wonderful to know my children are all creating their own rich wonderful lives and would continue to do so, knowing no matter where I am I will be watching over them.
“Sometimes I need only to stand wherever I am to be blessed.”
— Mary Oliver, Evidence: Poems